A hero's quest to overcoming Anxiety
"Anfangs hatte ich Angst wider zu reisen. Ich saß in meinem Haus denkend der Süden ist entweder energetisch total versaut oder mir ist es gegeben ständig attackiert zu werden egal wo ich mich befinde. Das Resultat, pure Angst & paranoide Agression. Warscheinlich bezogen auf meine heimatliche Erfahrung, sehe ich alle Kutluren Südeuropas als ungebildet, untolerant und total eingeengt in Denk- und Verstehensweise. So vergingen Monate in denen ich auf der Bettkante unter schrecklichem Stress grübelte ob und wie ich eine Reise zur Sonne wagen kann. Dazu, als Verstärkung, meine gesundheitliche Laage und die bürokratische Auseinanadersetzung mit einer neuen Kultur, sowie die weitere Angst, mein Leben nach Ablauf meines Vertrages im Griff halten zu können, hielten mich in eine Art von grundsätzlicher Paraplese, wobei ich innerlich am überkochen war, mir nichts besseres für meine Seele, Geist und Körper vorstellen zu können, als Sonne, Meer, Natur und Ruhe..." (Note 2017) |
In the midst of a Pandemic and the emerging world protest, when the spirits of heros are needed to trigger big waves of change, I find myself continuing work with the hidden personas and heros within me. A note from the beginning of a long journey to combat Fear appeared recently on my floor. Cleaning shelves instead of finishing up funding aplication forms I see this note, from a time when Anxiety came and settled into my life. Conincidence or not, right after a weekend full of excruciating fear of the possible death of a cat. Stuck on the side of the bed thinking about how I could possibly even go out into a huge crowd of people to protest or even just go out on the street or to the park.
Living with anxiety is a strange process. Fear is something that tends to sneak in when you least expect it, and once you have experienced episodes of panic attacks and intense anxiety, it comes even without having any logical reason at all. Of course things like the police or violent nazis or a car accident could really represent plausible fears... but what when everything around you suddenly could be a reason for fear, your doctors, your friends, your neighbors, all out to get you or hurt you, the food at the shop for sure toxic, the bugs in the park and the bugs in your house, your dog, your cat, your clothes, at some point even your bed. I guess if you are lucky, it is then when you come to understand that the real problem is not all these things but your fear, and whatever trauma it was that triggered the fear in teh first place.
In my case, this trauma was related to discrimination based on my gender, my sexuality, my nationality and probably a litle also on being an artist not a tough working social machine. Prior to that, the trauma was most probably conected to domestic violence, a mysoginistic and shovinistic father, an obviously truamatized and fearful mother, other family dramas, ongoing school mobing based on being different and the constant hiding despite knwoing form early age, that I was queer to the bones, of course no term to descirbe such things in ninties post-communist Romania
The year I wrote that note, some months later, I finally got up my bed, took my dog and did a short trip to Kroatia. One of the most eventful journeys I have ever been on, with braking cars, getting lost in mountains, facing huge storms and waterfalls on highways, yet also full of sunsets and starshines, amazing moon moments and a bit of autumny silence at the beach, and luckily no discrimination or haressment for a whole week.
That same year, few weeks later, I came to discover dance. A weird coincidence of thoughts, a great moment in time, some spontaneous oportunities brought me to meet some amazing teachers who opened my body and soul to movement. I think that was the beginning of a journey of combating anxiety and regaining trust in myself. Since then I have been challenging myself over and over again to go on stage, to face my fears and turn them into imaginative sotries and fictional characters, to share with others and see how we are all conected and have very similar experiences around the world.
And yet, in the middle of a worldwide crisis of what can hopefuly become a great transformation for all, I find myself not only battling my personal existential crisis, questioning why I do what I do, and for whom, and why I went into a process of hiding, of not moving, of not having danced for nearly three months... but suddenly being reminded that initially it all started with me trying to battle Anxiety, which is an ongoing process, still going on in the depths of me...
Dance helped me move it out of my body for a while. Can Dance help me move it out of my System for good or at least teach me how to dance with it again through the crowds? I sit on the side of my bed, contemplating at how paralized I feel by the overflow of events and news from the outer world, how a general state of anxiety doesn't let me move...all i can do is sing.
Living with anxiety is a strange process. Fear is something that tends to sneak in when you least expect it, and once you have experienced episodes of panic attacks and intense anxiety, it comes even without having any logical reason at all. Of course things like the police or violent nazis or a car accident could really represent plausible fears... but what when everything around you suddenly could be a reason for fear, your doctors, your friends, your neighbors, all out to get you or hurt you, the food at the shop for sure toxic, the bugs in the park and the bugs in your house, your dog, your cat, your clothes, at some point even your bed. I guess if you are lucky, it is then when you come to understand that the real problem is not all these things but your fear, and whatever trauma it was that triggered the fear in teh first place.
In my case, this trauma was related to discrimination based on my gender, my sexuality, my nationality and probably a litle also on being an artist not a tough working social machine. Prior to that, the trauma was most probably conected to domestic violence, a mysoginistic and shovinistic father, an obviously truamatized and fearful mother, other family dramas, ongoing school mobing based on being different and the constant hiding despite knwoing form early age, that I was queer to the bones, of course no term to descirbe such things in ninties post-communist Romania
The year I wrote that note, some months later, I finally got up my bed, took my dog and did a short trip to Kroatia. One of the most eventful journeys I have ever been on, with braking cars, getting lost in mountains, facing huge storms and waterfalls on highways, yet also full of sunsets and starshines, amazing moon moments and a bit of autumny silence at the beach, and luckily no discrimination or haressment for a whole week.
That same year, few weeks later, I came to discover dance. A weird coincidence of thoughts, a great moment in time, some spontaneous oportunities brought me to meet some amazing teachers who opened my body and soul to movement. I think that was the beginning of a journey of combating anxiety and regaining trust in myself. Since then I have been challenging myself over and over again to go on stage, to face my fears and turn them into imaginative sotries and fictional characters, to share with others and see how we are all conected and have very similar experiences around the world.
And yet, in the middle of a worldwide crisis of what can hopefuly become a great transformation for all, I find myself not only battling my personal existential crisis, questioning why I do what I do, and for whom, and why I went into a process of hiding, of not moving, of not having danced for nearly three months... but suddenly being reminded that initially it all started with me trying to battle Anxiety, which is an ongoing process, still going on in the depths of me...
Dance helped me move it out of my body for a while. Can Dance help me move it out of my System for good or at least teach me how to dance with it again through the crowds? I sit on the side of my bed, contemplating at how paralized I feel by the overflow of events and news from the outer world, how a general state of anxiety doesn't let me move...all i can do is sing.